wakey wakey hands off snakey
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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