so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
