I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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