My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I didn't notice because vodka
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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