The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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