a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
