I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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