Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
