Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
