I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
