i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
