I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
