nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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