piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
