Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
