Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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