New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
