fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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