Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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