You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
