She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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