Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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