Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
