why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
