True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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