I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She even gives head with a lisp.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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