its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
