i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
