One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
