are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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