In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
