I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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