I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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