A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
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I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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