I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
