i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
