I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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