I met the friendliest cop last night
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
