Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
