I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
