distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
