Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
