So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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