1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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