he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
