i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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