i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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