Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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