Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.