What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be