she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger