Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
