No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
