Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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