i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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