wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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