I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
