Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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