I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
